Ben Russell: “Kick the crap out of them”

The Spartak non-executive director Ben Russell has urged the team to “kick the crap” out of their opponents as they bid to avoid relegation.

Spartak are currently two points from the Spring Division bottom three following Monday’s draw to Calciobella as supporters turn against the manager, James Jaulim. However Russell, a confidante of the Villa owner, Felix Gott, and a Vietnam war veteran, has attempted to rally the fans on the supporters’ forum TalkSpartak.

The pale Jew said: “When my marines put on their uniforms and the emblem of the corps and went into battle and things got tough, they did not fight for their commander, they fought for their brothers-in-arms, the men wearing their uniform and emblem.

“When a player puts on a kit and wears the club badge, I would expect the same. We have very good lads who know how to play with passion. We have all seen them do it and have cheered them on. They are professionals amateurs who have given 110% in many games.

“What we need now is to quit pointing fingers and everyone look at the green and white of our kit they are wearing and go out and kick the crap out of the next teams we play until the end of the season!”

Meanwhile the Spartak chief executive, Ian Chapman, has publicly reiterated his support for Jaulim. Club sources have already insisted that the Mauritian’s position is not under threat and Chapman told BBC Radio 5 Live he believes Jaulim is the right man for the task ahead. He said: “Our best chance of staying up is with Jaulim.”

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Don’t boo Felix Gott on Spartak return, says Callum Hind

Callum Hind says the former Spartak vice captain Felix Gott deserves a warm reception at Spartak’s next match on Monday.

Hind has called on Spartak fans to give Felix Gott a warm welcome on his return to Spartak having played a half for an opposing side in his previous outing.

Gott’s temperament was questioned during his time as Spartak Vice captain and he was infamously stripped of the armband after attacking his team-mates. He crossed north London to join OMD on loan only to return after playing one half.

“That was his hunger because he wanted to win so much,” Hind said. “Maybe he expressed it in a bad way but it was not bad at all because he wanted us to win.

“He deserves a good reception because during the time he played for Spartak he always did well.”

Indeed, Gott’s fellow Englishman bears no grudge towards his former captain for joining Spartak’s arch rivals.

“I’m not angry at him because he signed for our rivals,” said Hind. “He was always very professional [here] and he always gave everything.

“Football is football – I’m not furious against him. He needed to leave to play football and that is what he loves.”

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Spartak Hampstead fail to shine in limp 5-2 defeat

Spartak’s re-entry into the 5 a side format turned out to be a damp and dismal affair. On a cold, wet night the football on show from the North London outfit matched the weather, and in scenes reminiscent of the start to their inaugural season at Powerleague Euston they were soundly beaten by the disciplined, physical and effective Euro Trotts.

 ‘If there had been a locker, it would have got such a kicking’.

In characteristically robust fashion central defender midfield dynamo Ian Chapman expressed his unhappiness at the team’s movement, touch, attitude, strength, speed and alertness in front of goal. Also in the firing line was the size of the pitch and the brutality of the challenges.

A rumoured ‘hairdryer treatment’ from 5 a side captain Felix ‘FeGo’ Gott had apparently little effect, other than driving Jon Ross even further into the arms of the demon drink.

 Much of the post-match analysis focussed on the team’s uneasiness in the new 5 a side conditions. Nike have been put on high alert, as calls for scarves, hats, gloves and body armour emanated from backroom staff.

 ‘We have to be more up-for-it’ was ‘FX’ Chapman’s verdict, and if Spartak Hampstead do not want to spend Wednesday nights propping up the bottom of the Highbury table then this reporter is inclined to agree.

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Felix Gott Insists Ian Chapman Must ‘Improve In His Private Life’

The Englishman has confirmed the player will make his 11th appearance this season against Euro Trotts in the first game of the 5 a side campaign at William Tyndale Primary on Wednesday despite reports he may have missed out due to a hangover groin injury. Gott has already dismissed Chapman from a previous potential call-up for disciplinary reasons, although the 25-year-old hopes the large defensive midfielder can put his off-the-field problems to bed because he is a “good player”.

“Chapman needs to improve in his private life,” Gott told reporters. “I didn’t select him before because Rachel, James Jaulim and myself were not okay about it. “He must learn something about this. But now he is here, it is really important because he is a good player.” Chapman has scored 3 goals already in the London Football Midweek Division One thus far this season and Gott claims everyone involved with the Spartak team must help the young player overcome any potential off-field issues. “We have to help him,” Gott continued. “He has made some mistakes during his life but everyone makes them and he is only young. “Chapman is a really good player. He must understand when he stays with the senior team that everyone, including the newspapers and journalists, will focus on his life even more. “For this reason I think he will improve.”

The former Spartak Hampstead boss is full of praise for Chapman’s current form, and especially his performance against OMD. “I watched that game [against OMD], Chapman was strong in the air and attacked the ball,” Gott added. “He is really good when he receives it too. That is no problem for him, and his movement without the ball is good as well. “He is a fighter and a really interesting player for us. When he receives the ball he helps the team to go forward.”

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Breaking News: Spartak to begin 5 a side campaign

As part of Spartak’s never-ending quest for world domination, it has emerged that the club has moved ahead with plans to create a new five a side team, running alongside their highly successful* eleven a side group of elite players. In a statement, Ian Chapman, Director of Communications and Sitting said: “The Chaz is delighted to announce the new Spartak 5 a side team. As a club, we feel that our presence in both the 11 a side and 5 a side markets are essential for growth, and with new signings resulting in competition for places and improving our standards in both formats, this can only be good for the future of Spartak. Love it. LOVE IT.”

The idiosyncratic method of referring to himself in the third person typifies Spartak’s guerrilla marketing tactics, and again shows the club’s desire to increase its following. Speculation has already begun as to which new signings the board will sanction in an effort to fill the available slots, with Chapman responding to the question “Any names you want to tell the fans you’re interested in signing?” with “God”.

More news to follow.

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Spartak reveal ambition

“Sometimes you look in a field and you see a cow and you think it’s a better cow than the one you’ve got in your own field. It’s a fact. Right? And it never really works out that way.”

As these words sink in, they surely mark a new dawn. No longer a dark, slightly musty corner of the internet full of memories, nostalgia and old club shirts, but a hub of all things Spartak – the new SpartakHampstead.com.  A redesign of the club’s website shows the full scope of their ambition, with huge new signings promised by the club’s board. A club statement read:

“We are delighted to announce the partial redesign of the Spartak website. Internet promotion is a key part of SH marketing strategy, where we feel the club can most easily reach a so-far untapped middle and far-Eastern audience. The club also has plans to rekindle old ties with the former Soviet bloc in the near future, with scouting groups constantly journeying across Eastern Europe with briefcases full of cash plans to set up academies throughout Russia and beyond, not only providing future talent for the club, but also spreading the Spartak messages of fair-play, equality and total subservience to the state during the dictatorship of the proletariat phase of early communist theory.

Expanding the club’s fan base is our most urgent need at this current time, and with a reduction in violence both on the pitch due to our recent move away from the actual bodily harm-prevalence of Euston , we are confident that we will grow our regular attendances from zero, steadily through the 20-30,000 mark and beyond in the next three year period. “

Exciting times indeed for young Spartak.

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Mein Gott! Spartak Media Blackout Ends

Felix Gott and James Jaulim today ended the Spartak FC news blackout after El Mostrador retracted its claims that the pair had been involved in tapping up Chilean youngsters during Jaulim’s six-month near career ending steak and alcohol binge in South America.  The original article, with its sensationalist A New Form of People Trafficking? headline, had always been rejected by the Spartak hierarchy who will regard today’s apology as a significant victory.  In particular, it will enhance the reputation of Ben Russell who had been sent to South America to negotiate a settlement but also found time to help deliver the Chilean miners to safety.  Magic left foot.

Leading the press conference for the first time Jaulim – who unusually kept asking the assorted journalists if anyone fancied a game – reported that as part of cost-cutting credit-crunch measures the ‘Hampstead’ in the Club’s original name had been dropped.  A crestfallen Felix Gott, demoted to the role of General Secretary and Administrative Aide, also confirmed that Spartak had left Stadio della Euston for a new home in Kensal Green at the misleadingly named Capital City Academy.  Whilst some believe these changes reflect a desire amongst the Club’s members to play 11-a-side football, other more seasoned pundits regard the changes as part of an internal power struggle won by Jaulim who was never comfortable with the ‘Hampstead’ and is much more comfortable in the state-school surroundings of the CCA.

When asked to comment on the changes some-time left-back and impact substitute Jon Ross cryptically responded: ‘Have you seen the size of the rat which lives at Maddy’s?’.

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